Getting a Grip

So the past year or so I have been a little stressed.  I have tried not to be stressed, and I only realized this morning that I have actually been masking the stresses of the past year with the way I have been eating.

As you know, I am a mindless eater.  I love food, I love flavour, I live to eat. I certainly don’t eat to live.  Heck I love to host a flavour party in my mouth at every meal. The more guests invited, the merrier the party.  Pack them all in there. No matter how much I try to stay on track, write down every little bit, morsel, lick, taste and sip, when I get stressed I let go of all control.  The unfortunate part is that I don’t see it until it has caught up with me and I am 25 pounds heavier.

Indeed it has been a difficult work year.  I was Harpersized and who is kidding who I was bitter.  Then I worked for a company where I really enjoyed the senior staff, however I couldn’t work with the pettiness of the other junior staffers or their lack of professionalism, so I left there for another job where I realized after a month into the job they expected me to do sales. That was bad enough, but to throw in cold calls, may as well send me bungee jumping - more likely I'd do that then sell something.  If you know me at all, you know I cannot sell a three course meal to a starving person. So I then found myself back with an agency and am now in a position where I like the manager, the other admins, the location etc.  My contract ends in a few weeks and then what I am going to do for work after that, no clue. But something will come up.

Throughout all of this I have had a few personal things stress me out.  I know they are trivial at best compared to what most people I know have gone through, they are huge for me.

My daughter and I have always been close.  She wants to pull away now – most kids do this as teenagers, mine waits to be a 26 year old to spread her wings.  My parents are aging – aren’t we all.  For some strange reason I had the illusion that my parents would never be old.  They would never look old.  And really they don’t look old, but I have seen them age in the way they carry their bodies and how quickly they tire.  So I am a little freaked out by this. Guess that cord was never really cut either! And then there are the days when I feel like I am so lost and all alone on this weight loss and get fit journey, and feel like I will never get to where I want to be.

This weekend I had time to think about my stress and realized many things, and well it's not that bad and it is only me that can make the change.

1)    I realized that really getting laid off wasn’t the worst thing that could have happened to me. In fact it was one of the best things work wise. Heck, I could still be there and be miserable doing nothing and feeling useless. Where I am, I am not useless. I am valued and respected as a person and in the work that I do here – and that is very rewarding.

2)    It’s okay to let my daughter spread her wings and fly out on her own.  No matter where she goes or what she does, I will always be there for her and when she is ready to share something with me she will.  After all, I am her mother!  I have raised her to be independent and her own person.  She needs her friends to be like minded, not her mom.  Of course we will still be friends and we will always share our strange yet special bond.  The reality of it all is that she wants to move on and so she should.

3)    My parents are getting older, so am I.  I have no choice but to cope with this and continue to enjoy and cherish every day that I have with them and not worry about the future!

4)    I have a very loving and caring husband who is my best friend, my coach and my rock.  He is a great support to me.  He stands by me, and he never asks me if I am sure I want to eat – whatever that is.  He knows that it will only send me over the deep end, so he just lets me eat it.  Then somewhere along the way he says he is going for a workout, or he feels bloated and needs to work out or go for a run or something.  Sometimes it takes a while to sink in, but I do realize that he is feeling what I am and he is voicing it and not eating the frustration away.  This encourages me to say it as well.  Not out loud in public, just when we are at home. By doing this, I am less inclined to have the gelato, chips, cookies and the 10 handfuls of peanuts. Yes, all at the same time!

While I talk the talk of telling people “NO EXCUSES”, somewhere along the way I was started being dishonest with myself and stopped walking the walk.

There is something to be said for the expression – the truth will set you free.  If I am honest and truthful about why I am eating, deal with the issue and stop the pity party I can get back on track and accomplish my goals.

I don’t need to have a party or a festival in my mouth with the food I am eating. I can limit the guests I invite to the party.  I lost track of what my goals were and what I wanted to do.  I got caught up in the trap of poor pitiful me and felt sorry for myself and my gains.

There must be something about August that does this to me.  While I recall having these thoughts last year, I don’t recall ever acting on them. I can’t live in the past, I need to move forward, and set short term goals.  That means looking to the future with a positive outlook. I am going to run, I am going to reach my goal weight, I am going to train for triathlons and reach my fitness goals.

Now that I have said this, I have to have a plan on how I am going to accomplish these.  It’s easy on paper… I will make the healthiest choices I can. I will limit the not so healthy choices if I really feel the need for one. I am going to log/track my food intake, my exercise and most importantly my feelings.  By tracking my feelings I will be able to identify my stresses and deal with them instead of letting them fester and send me over the deep end of the chocolate pool.

I will do what I have to do for me. It is what will keep me out of a year-long funk. It may be selfish to some, but it’s not to me. I will say that I don’t want to eat it and if asked repeatedly, I will enforce my No Thank You.

Step one is done – I joined the OTC for swimming in October.  Monday mornings at 6am.

So the week is planned out

Tonight, plan the meals and track them. Tuesday I go for a bike ride and a run, Wednesday a 5k run, Thursday I go for an open water swim, Friday I stretch it all out and Saturday maybe a long soak in the hot tub or a nice light massage and Sunday I head to Brockville to complete my first Super Sprint Triathlon.

Life could be worse for me. This Buttercup needs to suck it up!